WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
You Might Also Like
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
sin harder.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!