I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
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Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Damn what did I do next
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
My toddler woke up, saw her shadow, and predicted 6 hours of anarchy.
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Somebody’s lying.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.