Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
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Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.