Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
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I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
This is a whole mood;
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Story of my life…..
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber