When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
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wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.