I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
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acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Attacked by a mop.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.