One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
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Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*
Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”