When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
You Might Also Like
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.