waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
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Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
channeling her this year
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake