Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
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Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
me working on my assignments ^-^
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
😅😅😅
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.