Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
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The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.