grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
You Might Also Like
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.