Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
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If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
not enough men these days put fish in their mouth and pull out the entire skeleton in tact
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.