Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
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Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.