me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
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Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Introverted vegans go meetless
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob