barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
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Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Body by sandwich.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Just grow your own
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
I want to meet the individual who made this
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*