You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
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Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Dolls on drugs
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
If you know, you know
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.