If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
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If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.