Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading