Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
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When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO