Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……