I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
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When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.