Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
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yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
🛁
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters