[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
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Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™