Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
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Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.