We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Matt Goss
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK