(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
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Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Never forget.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
The pasta is now
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
i would drive twenty miles away to save eight cents a gallon on gas which is why my wife is in charge of our household finances
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream