Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I’m so full I could puke a horse
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.