got so much cardio in today
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How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.