DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
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[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets