I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
You Might Also Like
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
I am, perchance
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.