This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
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If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal