what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
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difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
sleeping beauty
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.