casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
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When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.