He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
🙄😏😂🤣
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.