Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
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60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Oops
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra