My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪