If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
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The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Mornin
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Wednesday
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face