Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
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My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Growing out my freckles.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.