Me buying fruit and veg
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Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
My first son he is wonderful
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
philosophical skeletons be like
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
I triple waxed for this?