Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
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[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.