ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
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Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Friend: Man, it’s hot. Thank god for AC, right?
Me: I don’t have air conditioning.
Friend: How do you stay cool?
Me: *Slips on sunglasses & leather jacket; vapes; engages Heelys and rolls away*
Friend: Holy shit.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff