Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
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*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.