Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
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[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
That time Alicia messaged me
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Morning my dudes.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
Interior design 👌
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat