My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
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Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
drew a comic about my origin story
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.