“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Happy Halloween 🎃
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
The glockness monster
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Nomnomnomnom
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?