“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose