Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
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HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Wake me when AI does housework