When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
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Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
I am yelling
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*