Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
You Might Also Like
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me